Seasons of the Soul

Fractured Bible Stories

The jewels found below are said to be written by actual students and are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched." Compiled by Richard Lederer, they appeared in the 22/31/95 issue of National Review.  

 

*In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. 

*Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

*Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

*Noah built an ark, which

the animals came on to in pears. *Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

*The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

*Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the

axe of the apostles.

*Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. *The Egyptians were all

drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on MountCyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

*The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat

the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 

*Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

*Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to

stand still and he obeyed him.

*David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of  people who lived in Biblical times.

*Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

*When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

*When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. *Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

*St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

*Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

*It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

*The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

*The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

*One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession a taximan.

*St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is

another name for marriage.

Sunday Funnies

 
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any  mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
 
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
 
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher  raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face  and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"
 
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older  brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

~Humorist Unknown

Once A Pun A Time

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.   He acquired his size from too much pi.                            
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical  Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.'
12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
13.  A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'                         

14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
15. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Paraprosdokians

 PARAPROSDOKIANS:
"Paraprosdokian": "Figure of speech in which the latter
part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected;
frequently used in a humorous situation." 
  "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Ok, so now enjoy!

  1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
  3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
  5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
  9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many  is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
 12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
 13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  14. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 15. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
  16. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute  to skydive twice.
  18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to  live with.
  19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
 20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
  21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
  22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than  standing in a garage makes you a car.
  26. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way
 that you look forward to the trip.
  27. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
  28. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon,
  and a shot of tequila.
  29. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
  Department usually uses water.
 
 Words of Wisdom:
 "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

~Author Very Bright, but I don't know who it is

A Little Something for the Punsters

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round
table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an
optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a
weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'



The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that
votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,
you'd be in Seine.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks
at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says
'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' 
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

~Author Unknown

Brief History of Medicine

2000 BC: Here, eat this root.

1000 AD: That root is
heathen. Say this prayer.

1850 AD: That prayer is
superstition. Drink this potion.

1940 AD: That potion is snake
oil. Swallow this pill.

1985 AD: That pill is
ineffective. Take this antibiotic.

2000 AD: That antibiotic
doesn’t work anymore. Here, eat this root.

~The Ecologist

 

Just for Fun!

Stuff you didn't know you didn't
know!
-------------------------------------------

Men can read smaller print
than women can; women can hear better.

-------------------------------------------

Coca-Cola was originally green.

-------------------------------------------

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

-------------------------------------------

The State with the highest percentage
of people who walk to work:

Alaska

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness:
28%
(now get this...)

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of North America that is
wilderness: 38%

------------------------------------------------

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to
the age of eleven: $16,400

------------------------------------------------------

The average number of people airborne over
the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

---------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

The first novel ever written on a typewriter,
Tom Sawyer.

-- ------------ --------- --------- ---------

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only
mobile National Monuments.

--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person
died because of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
died of natural causes.

------ --- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Only two people signed the Declaration of
Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles
Thomson.

Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q. Half of all Americans live within
50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is
the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

--------- ------------------ --------- --------- ---------

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would
you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers, and laser printers have
in common?

A. All were invented by women.

--------- ----------------- --------- --------- ---------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than
any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

----------------- --------- --------- ---------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on
bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes,
the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep
on. Hence the phrase... 'Goodnight , sleep tight'

--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's
father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead
he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was
called the honey month, which we know today as
the honeymoon.

---------------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.
So in old England, when customers got unruly,
the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints
and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

--------- --------- ------- --------- --------- ---------

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had
a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their
ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used
the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.

--------- --------- -------- --------- --------- ---------

At least 75% of people who read this will
try to lick their elbow!

---------------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2012
when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you
carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (maybe even 60)
years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are

going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


~~~~~~~~~~~AND

FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING

at yourself!

And go lick your elbow.

Medical Care in America

  Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

  The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

  The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

   Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.

Puns for Punsters

 

“I can’t stop smoking”, one volcano exclaimed angrily to another.

“Well, there’s no need to blow your top about it”, the other replied.

 

Who was the smartest knight at the Round Table?

Sir Ebral.

 

“I feel like I’m slowly falling apart”, one rock said to another.

“Those are my sediments too”, the other replied.

 

“I’ve been stuck doing the same thing too long”, one tree said to another.

“Maybe you should try branching out a little”, the second replied.

 

“Why don’t you grow up a little?”, the apartment building said to the house.

“I guess I’m stuck in my story”, the house replied.

Puns for Punsters

 

 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,

proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal:

transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns

would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

~Author Unknown