(final installment of 4 part series on Negativity)
Whenever there is a defensive reaction, it means that something has been “hooked”. If there is not a sensitive core issue, another’s criticism will find no hold. So…when we feel defensive in the face of criticism, it is important to ask ourselves, “What am I protecting?” Generally, it is an area where we feel sensitive, self-critical, or guilty.
Example: “Harry, you made a mistake on this report.” Harry bristles. He is unsure of himself. He feels attacked. He reacts in defense of himself, either by blaming someone else for not giving him information he needed, finding something about the person making the statement to point out as a failure, or by denying the error. This act of self-preservation is at a personality level and has caused Harry to miss a valuable opportunity to learn something about himself and to form an alliance of respect with the other individual.
By moving out of personality mode and into the heart, Harry could respond in a much more dynamic way. “Gee…what did I do?” This is not said from a place of self-defeat…it is a statement of curiosity. Then he can observe what is being criticized and react appropriately. “Oh, you are right! I missed that. Thank you so much for pointing it out.” This reaction is a statement in strength. The person who pointed out the error gains new or increased respect for Harry. Harry exhibits maturity in looking at what needs to be done. He can then become proactive and also take the opportunity to ask the other… “Let’s see how I can get this corrected so we have minimal damage. Do you have any ideas?” This engages the other person in becoming part of the solution…sharing responsibility for finding ways to correct a problem.
Now…there is a difference between the way Harry has stated his reaction in accepting responsibility versus either defending himself or responding as a victim. A defeated individual who has a perpetual aura of “poor me” might also say…”Yeah. You’re right. I screwed up again.” The whole demeanor here is one of weakness. It is the opposite coin of the defensive stance. Both are born of guilt, but this reaction also has the element of unworthiness.
For the onlooker, each of these reactions causes a reaction within. The defensive stance causes the onlooker to get mad. The unwillingness of Harry to accept responsibility for his mistake creates frustration and also lack of respect, because Harry does not stand behind his work. The reaction of shame in blame causes the onlooker to feel pity or disgust for Harry. Harry exhibits weakness in his reaction because there is a very poor self-image. When Harry accepts responsibility with a mature response, the transaction between the two is direct, equal, and creates a strong bond of mutual respect. There is no charge, there is no blame. There is no shame. There was merely a mistake, which may have been due to an oversight.
This example demonstrates how our perception of ourselves and others is molded by action/reaction, and why it is so important to reframe our internal monitoring system to clear out unworthy attitudes that keep us imprisoned in defensive or pitiful responses to life.
(Coming Next - The Inner Teacher speaks about Love)