Seasons of the Soul

Sunday Humor

AGES OF LIFE

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your three-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food -- we need all the preservative we can get.
3. When you fall down, wonder what else can be done while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same
sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers,but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way.

NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

~Author unknown

Light Humor

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife.
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the
best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, now is the best
time to plant the lettuce."

Cats Talking

If you haven't seen these two quick videos, take a look. As we embark on the New Year, it's also important to keep our sense of humor amidst all our resolutions and renewed purposefulness.

Take a look in this order: #1 YouTube - The two talking cats

#2 YouTube - Re: Cat Talking, Translation

Light Humor

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF):

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.                                                                   Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Kids and the Bible

The following were supposedly written by children related to the bible. Regardless of who wrote them, they are today's funnies.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.

NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS 

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. 

AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA   
THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, 

WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. 

HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FRO M THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, 

HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

On A Lighter Note (supposedly a true story)

During a fall semester at Yale University before the onset of cell phones, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they each had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Harvard and party with some friends. So they did and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to New Haven until early Monday morning.

They waited until the final was over and then found the professor, explaining to him that they missed the final because they had been in Cambridge for the weekend and had planned to be back in plenty of time, but on the return trip had a flat tire and found that the spare was missing. The process of getting help took much longer than it should have, and so they were delayed getting back to campus, missed the final, and would sincerely appreciate being able to make it up.

The professor thought this over and agreed that they could make up the test on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved, and a little smug. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the arranged time. The prof placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought. “This is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said:  “(95 points) Which tire?”

Silly Stuff - Children's Science Exam

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?                        
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .

Sunday Funnies

Bible Stories Retold by Young Scholars around the World.
The jewels found below are said to be written by actual students and are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched."
Compiled by Richard Lederer, they appear in the 22/31/95 issue of National Review. 

*In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. 
*Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
*Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
*Noah built an ark, which
the animals came on to in pears. *Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
*The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
*Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the
axe of the apostles.
*Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. *The Egyptians were all
drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
*The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat
the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 
*Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
*Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.
*David was a Hebrew king  skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of  people who lived in Biblical times.
*Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300  wives and 700 porcupines.
*When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
*When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. *Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
*St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
*Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
*It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
*The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
*The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
*One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession a taximan.
*St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.
*A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony

Light Humor

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife.
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
~author unknown

St. Patrick's Day Humor

*Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."*
 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"  O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."*

*Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"  "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"*

*An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking? "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"  The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"*

*Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."  "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."*

May the road rise to meet you, and may you have a glowin' St. Paddy's Day!