Seasons of the Soul

Light Humor

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary...

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction .

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today..

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

~Author unknown

Baby Boomers!

This is a little humor for my generation. Good for a laugh to start the day!

You need to have your sound on for this.   
Baby Boomers 

Silly Stuff - Children's Science Exam Answers

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?                        
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
 
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .
 

Light Humor - Disorder in American Courts

This is from an e-mail I received this morning, and laughed so hard, I had to share it with the BLOG.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

___________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar....
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

The Computer Prayer

Our Program, Who art in Memory, Hello be Thy Name. Thy Operating System come. Thy Commands be done, at the Printer as it is on the Screen.

Give us this day our Daily Data, and forgive us our 1/0 errors as we forgive those whose Logic Circuits are faulty.

Lead us not into Frustration, and deliver us from Power Surges.

For Thine is the Algorithm, the Application, and the Solution, Looping Forever and Ever.

Return.

Fractured Bible Stories

 Bible Stories Retold by Young Scholars around the World.

The jewels found below are said to be written by actual
students and are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched."
Compiled by Richard Lederer, they appear in the 22/31/95 issue of National Review.  

*In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. 
*Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
*Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
*Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
*Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
*The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
*Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
*Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
*The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
*The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 
*Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
*Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
*David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of  people who lived in Biblical times.
*Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
*When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
*When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
*Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
*St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
*Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
*It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
*The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
*The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
*One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession a taximan.
*St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.
*A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.·

Brief History of Medicine

2000 BC: Here, eat this root.
1000 AD: That root is heathen. Say this prayer.
1850 AD: That prayer is superstition. Drink this potion.
1940 AD: That potion is snake oil. Swallow this pill.
1985 AD: That pill is ineffective. Take this antibiotic.
2000 AD: That antibiotic doesn’t work anymore. Here, eat this root.
~The Ecologist
December 2004/January 2005

Great Truths Adults Have Learned

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

And as we age further, here are another couple truths:
1. Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.      
2. When you fall down, look to see what else can be done while you're down there.

Medical Care in America

Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
  
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.

For Those Who Enjoy Language (Or Severe Distortions Thereof)

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.                                                                                                    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

~Author unknown