Winter and Self-Reflection

1996 started with a bang. I sensed that it would. On January 1st my daughter’s car blew up (nobody hurt) and that set the tone of minor annoyance to major tragedy, from illness and inconvenience, to murder of a dear friend’s son. The issues of others impacted my life and I found myself drawn out when my natural inclination was to go within. 

Winter calls upon us to move into self-reflection and in modern society it is difficult to balance the need for an inner journey with the demands of our very outward life. I’ve had to ask myself what the outer manifestation reflects of my inner landscape and I’ve recognized some aspects of myself that I find limiting. I recognized that I do what I do often times out of duty. My outer demeanor projects care while my internal response is annoyance.

As I talked with my daughter about this realization and my need to work on it, she felt I was judging myself and commented that in Zen (which she follows) they observe all of themselves without need to change anything or without self-loathing.

In looking more deeply at my need to come to terms with these irritants, I recognize that my willingness to look at them comes from self-love rather than self-loathing. If I did not like me, I would avoid these issues. But loving myself, I want to be as close to my potential as possible. And who is hurt most by my resentment? I am. As I live with myself in harmony, life flows. When I am disturbed, my reactions cause disharmony to me and naturally affect others as well.

At the end of January 1996 my dear friend’s son was killed by someone who avoided his shadow side at all costs, and the ultimate end was the murder of someone else because the murderer did not address his own problems. This case received extended attention in the media because of the high-profile individuals involved, but is a replay of what happens too many times daily in every part of the world.

Murder is an ultimate defense against self-inquiry. The impact on others is devastating. However, there are lesser forms of denial that impact life as well.

At an ashram in upstate New York, while attending a week long workshop, a young man found out that his girlfriends was leaving him. He was so distraught that he banged his head against a wall until it was bloody, and others had to stop their own practice to come to his aid and get him to a hospital. The well known Guru who was head of the ashram stated bluntly that this was a perfect example of selfishness and a lack of concern for the rights and wellbeing of others. She told the group assembled that if they were so upset about a relationship, they should go to the relationship tree and pluck another, but make sure that they took care of their own issues so that other people did not have to take care of it for them. Many people who had taken vacation time and spent good money for the retreat had to give up their plans because of someone else's emotional outubrst.

Self-loathing has many different faces. Being out of control, whether through this action or murder implies an unexamined life.

Self-inquiry done because we want to reflect wholeness is not debilitating, it is essential. The intention is to reflect more clearly the essence of our true nature. And winter is the perfect time in which the shadow parts of ourselves can surface, and inner work begin. The fruits of inner work are borne later…but it is now when the soil of mindfulness needs to be cultivated, where the irritants can be viewed and examined because the external barrenness provides a setting with fewer distractions and far greater contrast.

               KJ