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We give our loved ones back to God.
And just as He first gave them to us
and did not lose them in the giving,
So we have not lost them
in returning them to Him…
for life is eternal, love is immortal,
death is only a horizon…
and a horizon is nothing
but the limit of our earthly sight.
~author unknown
The call came in June of 2000. “Kathleen, I’m in the hospital in terrible pain.” With that began an odyssey of dark and light that continued for the remainder of the year. My mother had a mis-diagnosed digestive disorder for the previous 14 months. She went from specialist to specialist, lost over 20 pounds, but was given no diagnosis. Finally, her gut twisted itself and refused to unbind.
She was taken to the hospital, had emergency surgery, a resection because the twisted part had gone into gangrene, and almost died on the operating table because of a heart attack during the procedure. However, she didn’t die. She came out of the surgery, struggled back to health, and was released from the hospital two weeks later.
As I shuttled between her place in the city and my home 20 miles away, I saw she was failing. I’d just started a new business, and tried to juggle work with overseeing care for mom.
One day I was up helping her, noticed that she was trying to open one of her heavy windows, and feared she’d fall out of the tower apartment in which she lived. So I looked for window stops, saw something on the top that looked like it might be that, pulled them down…lifted the window to see if it worked, and the next thing I knew, the heavy metal framed window was crashing on my temple…less than 1/8 inch from my eye. I felt the thud and was stunned. However, I was grateful that the blow was there and not in my eye. I was very fortunate, and made a mental note of gratitude. I seemed to be alright, put the window back, and sat down for a bit to get my bearings.
As the day wore on, a huge lump developed, and by the next day and the day after the whole side of my face was black and blue. I felt weak and a little disoriented. I had a concussion. Because of this, I couldn’t work. Because I couldn’t work, I realized I needed to bring my mother to my home so I could watch her more closely. She was not doing well.
My husband and I drove up to the City early on a Saturday morning and brought her to our home. I was so relieved, and realized that had I not gotten the concussion, I would be working and unable to do this. Another note of gratitude.
The next morning, my mother experienced the same pains she had the day she called 911, and we called an ambulance to take her to the hospital nearest to us. From July 2 until her death on January 7, 2001, she was in the hospital, with two short times of release followed by relapse. She had a complex combination of symptoms that defied diagnosis until one doctor thought about an ailment found in Europeans. He took a biopsy and found one of the culprits - Celiac-Sprue…a complete intolerance to wheat and gluten in any form. But then they noted that she also had ischemic colitis, a deterioration of the colon and inability to absorb nutrients.
My mother dropped from 125 lbs. at the onset of this disease to 76 lbs. She was on the verge of death, on the verge of health, and everything in between. A lesser person would have folded given the ordeal she endured. But she was not a lesser person. Instead, she went through the dark night of the soul, struggled with whether or not there is a God, and came out of an inner battle during surgery that brought her into a light body she has never known before. She made peace with old hurts, overcame one of her worst traits…extreme impatience, and become a model of an intangible quality we all long to possess. The entire staff of the hospital marveled at her kindness to them, her appreciation in even the worst moments, and her ineffable light. She weighed next to nothing, but there was a strength and energy that radiated from her that made people stop and feel better because they had been in her room.
Her doctor called one day to tell me the latest prognosis was not good. Her entire intestinal tract was ulcerated, and the blood flow was just not getting where it needed to go. Yet, he said to me, “Your mother is the most extraordinary person I have ever encountered. She demonstrates the most unbelievable patience, dignity, and acceptance of what is happening to her. I just can’t get over it.”
Soon after that, my mother told me that she would never be able to describe what she had experienced in the previous six months, because it was indescribable. The closest she could come was to say it was as though all her life she had been a tight bud waiting to open, and this experience and the inner battles she endured brought her into full bloom. She also said that if someone asked her if she would be willing to go through the entire ordeal again if she knew this would be the outcome, she would say “Yes” without hesitation. That says a lot. And that comes to the point of this article.
We never know the reason for certain circumstances being planted in our lives. They are the seeds that bear fruit we don’t always understand. But they are also the opportunities for deeper self-knowing when we open to receive whatever comes our way. When we resist, we miss golden opportunities. When we gloss over conditions in an attempt to always be positive, we miss the gifts that are often only found in the dark.
Sometimes in order to gain our lives, we have to go through the dark night of the soul. And there may be more than one, just as winter comes more than once in a lifetime. However, just as winter comes, and dark nights come, there is always the light that follows.
My mother was an example of someone who faced the worst, and held herself as best she could to accept what was being given, and triumphed in a way that many people never do. We do not have to control or manipulate life to gain the best from it. We merely need to acquiesce…to open to possibilities in what is being presented, and to move from the bud of potential into our own full bloom.
KJ
The purpose of my book, Vision of the Grail, and many other works, is to bring each of us to recognize our true nature...Wholeness. We are all sparks of a greater Light Body, and in finding our particular portion, the purpose is not competition, but cooperation. We as elements of this greater body have a unique and particular function to portray, and as we allow ourselves to "lighten" up, we can move into a space of authenticity.
Authenticity to me signifies the willingness to confront our true nature; to recognize the personality, and the abiding spirit within. In this meeting ground we are aware of distance. We view the elements that cause us to feel distracted, disengaged, and disheartened. Like so much else in life, it is part of paradox.
The process of understanding takes time, and in this current time stream, the very nature of time is undergoing change. We are being compacted, so that what used to take 50 years can occur within a very brief span of 'time" as we know it. Issues within our own character that required recognition through a long period of repetition now are viewable and fixable in a much shorter period.
The key to awareness is WILLINGNESS. We've talked about this before, but there are so many ingredients that go into the quotient. We have to be willing first of all to recognize a certain imperfection within ourselves (as much as we need to see an underlying perfection), and to be willing to confront those areas of conflict WITHOUT JUDGMENT or BLAME. By willingness to confront self, we don't mean punitively. We are talking about confronting the whole picture. We are made of so many different things, so many variables. And as we view the parts that are unloving and unlovable, these are in truth the most in need of love.
No growth can be effective if we leave any part of us out of the quotient. We need to be willing to accept all of ourselves. It's like having a family with a relative who is always the oddball or the one you have to work around. In some cases, that is a major part of the external family.
Our internal mechanism is much the same. We have our good points and our seemingly bad ones. But by moving further into confrontation, (confronting with openness, open-mindedness, acceptance, and love) we can, by questioning ourselves, find where those "unlovable" traits came from, and why they emerged in the first place. For the most part, the reason was self-protection.
As we come to terms with the details of our history that forged us into who we have become, we can begin to rewrite and re-script the way we choose to play our role in the future. In doing this, we are giving up attachment to the details of our history, making room for renewal, and moving from fragmentation into unity. By making room for loving self-assessment, we make room for healing, and this is partially what the journey towards wholeness is about.
KJ
We tend to see winter as reflective of death, and often something or someone does go out of our life at this powerful time of year. The underworld retrieves that which it gave in spring, the great cycle of return now underway. As the landscape stands stark and colorless, contrast is evident, and we must pick up the palate of our inner world. Rather than deny the dark and cold of the external world, we need to move into the warmth of soul for the illumination we seek.
As projects or loved ones recede, we are given an opportunity to recount ourselves. If we’ve been on a blazing marathon, this transition may be difficult at first, because we have to stop. Winter does that to us. When we don’t pay attention to the subtle clues, the body is under attack. Winter puts us on notice that everything is exposed. The trees and landscape are pared back, only the sturdy wood remaining through the onslaught of the elements. So we, too, may have harsh weather, and we must bear through it.
When it is lovely outside, we have no reason to sit at home and ponder the state of our union, and I have noted in the process of unfoldment that it is important to avoid avoidance. If we insist on ignoring the external signals, winter will bring stillness to our attention.
We live in a society that doesn’t make time for siestas, so we must carve the quiet time…the reflective time, out of our schedule as an act of discipline. And when the pain or hurt or isolation creeps in, we must find the gift in it, for at the root….winter leads to spring. And it is the quality of our insights bound in winter that will dictate the seeds we plant as the new season unfolds.kj
Chocolate
Are you aware that chocolate often counteracts the symptoms of PMS? As you may know, endorphins are chemicals manufactured in the body that stimulate a sense of euphoria or well-being. When endorphin production decreases, we often experience depression. In women, the production of beta endorphins helps regulate ovulation and the reproductive cycle, dropping markedly right before menstruation. It is now thought that PMS may be a form of beta endorphin withdrawal, causing reactions similar to withdrawal from endorphin mimicking drugs such as Heroin. Enter chocolate! Chemicals found in chocolate often act as an anti-depressant and therefore decrease or alleviate symptoms of PMS…so if you are a woman who suffers from PMS and find yourself craving chocolate at “that” time of the month, you may be reaching for a natural opiate. (aren’t you glad I gave you the fudge recipe last newsletter!:o) From Optimal Health cassette series, Nightengale-Conant.
Water
In a penetrating examination of the habits of Americans, Dr. Batmanghelidj, author of Your Body’s Many Cries for Water, has noted that many of us are chronically dehydrated. He suggests that we need much more water than we are getting to replenish our cells. It makes up 70% of body tissue and 80% of brain tissue, and the lack of adequate amounts causes the body to borrow from organs and other “water” areas within the body. His research shows that dehydration is partially responsible for depression, joint aches, arthritis, diabetes, raised cholesterol and other maladies. According to him, we need 8-12 glasses of purified water a day to maintain health. Instead of over-medication, we need to practice over-watering!
Vision
Our Vision is dependent on our vision...
so says Jacob Lieberman, O.D., Ph.D. Author of several books, including Light, Medicine of the Future, He states that we are indoctrinated to assume that when our eyesight seems to waiver, we must immediately do something about it rather than allowing it to correct itself. Through simple exercises and mental attitude, he has found in his practice that the eyes will quite often return to 20/20 vision. He believes that emotional blocks are often a cause of vision problems, and by taking care of the problem...vision will restore itself. Food for thought!
Do you know how to make God
laugh?
Tell Him you’re making plans!
1996 started with a bang. I sensed that it would. On January 1st my daughter’s car blew up (nobody hurt) and that set the tone of minor annoyance to major tragedy, from illness and inconvenience, to murder of a dear friend’s son. The issues of others impacted my life and I found myself drawn out when my natural inclination was to go within.
Winter calls upon us to move into self-reflection and in modern society it is difficult to balance the need for an inner journey with the demands of our very outward life. I’ve had to ask myself what the outer manifestation reflects of my inner landscape and I’ve recognized some aspects of myself that I find limiting. I recognized that I do what I do often times out of duty. My outer demeanor projects care while my internal response is annoyance.
As I talked with my daughter about this realization and my need to work on it, she felt I was judging myself and commented that in Zen (which she follows) they observe all of themselves without need to change anything or without self-loathing.
In looking more deeply at my need to come to terms with these irritants, I recognize that my willingness to look at them comes from self-love rather than self-loathing. If I did not like me, I would avoid these issues. But loving myself, I want to be as close to my potential as possible. And who is hurt most by my resentment? I am. As I live with myself in harmony, life flows. When I am disturbed, my reactions cause disharmony to me and naturally affect others as well.
At the end of January 1996 my dear friend’s son was killed by someone who avoided his shadow side at all costs, and the ultimate end was the murder of someone else because the murderer did not address his own problems. This case received extended attention in the media because of the high-profile individuals involved, but is a replay of what happens too many times daily in every part of the world.
Murder is an ultimate defense against self-inquiry. The impact on others is devastating. However, there are lesser forms of denial that impact life as well.
At an ashram in upstate New York, while attending a week long workshop, a young man found out that his girlfriends was leaving him. He was so distraught that he banged his head against a wall until it was bloody, and others had to stop their own practice to come to his aid and get him to a hospital. The well known Guru who was head of the ashram stated bluntly that this was a perfect example of selfishness and a lack of concern for the rights and wellbeing of others. She told the group assembled that if they were so upset about a relationship, they should go to the relationship tree and pluck another, but make sure that they took care of their own issues so that other people did not have to take care of it for them. Many people who had taken vacation time and spent good money for the retreat had to give up their plans because of someone else's emotional outubrst.
Self-loathing has many different faces. Being out of control, whether through this action or murder implies an unexamined life.
Self-inquiry done because we want to reflect wholeness is not debilitating, it is essential. The intention is to reflect more clearly the essence of our true nature. And winter is the perfect time in which the shadow parts of ourselves can surface, and inner work begin. The fruits of inner work are borne later…but it is now when the soil of mindfulness needs to be cultivated, where the irritants can be viewed and examined because the external barrenness provides a setting with fewer distractions and far greater contrast.
KJ
How often we’ve heard that unless we learn from history, we are bound to repeat it. However, there is a problem many of us have which keeps us from moving forward, and that is the tendency to hold on to something from the past that has been a stumbling block, or a failure. We impose the past on the present so that we restrict the flow of what can be for us right now. When we are driving a car, it’s good to check the rear view mirror occasionally to see what is going on behind us. However, if we look in the rear view mirror continuously, we might miss something on the road ahead, or distract ourselves to the point of being dangerous. We know that about driving (or should), but tend to forget that lesson in daily living.
Life is a movable feast. What we experience at 20 or 30 may have a different impact to a similar opportunity at 40 or 50, and by the time we reach 60 or 70 our perspective and insights may be far beyond what we knew in the earlier years when decisions were made with lack of experience. They were our learning curve, and in the process of making right and so-called wrong decisions, we grow and come to see our strengths and limitations as long as we are willing to view ourselves objectively. Realizing that our history can be a tremendous foundation point for the present and future when we make a conscious decision to learn from our experiences, we don’t need to move forward by looking back. We have integrated what we need to know and can keep our eyes steadily on the present goal, trusting that the essence of what we’ve learned previously will help guide our decisions along the way. This keeps us open through faith to new and updated possibilities that will enrich and enhance our lives. Looking in the rearview mirror is good when we have to back up. But in order to move ahead…we must look forward.
KJ
I was driving on the freeway and noted the large dividing walls that have been built in recent years between the freeway and the frontage road paralleling it. The space between both is minimal, and the walls are put up for noise reduction and a sense of separation.
It dawned on me as I passed one of those barriers that the perception it gave was one of privacy and a defined differentiation, yet, in truth, the space was merely a grouping of bricks that gave an illusion of separateness to two spaces that were very close to one another.
In the Midwest, I was surprised to see no fences between houses. Back yards and front yards all coalesced, and as a person from the Bay Area where fences between houses is standard, I felt naked and uncomfortable with that lack of privacy or separate space.
How often do we put up mental barriers that keep us distant from someone, even though they live in the same home, or are a neighbor, or family member, or office mate? Psychological barriers can be as persuasive as the huge roadway dividers that I passed, giving us the illusion that we are really apart from one another, when indeed we are merely partitioned from each other by the slimmest of definitions. We tend to go through life in our own little bubble, not seeing or participating in the world around us. Yet, what might be possible if we allowed the rest of the world in?
There is a little post office sub-station in an adjacent town where the “locals” go. Since it is closer to me than the post office in my own town, I go there with the rest of the townspeople and enjoy the comradeship that the place engenders.
The other day, as everyone was jammed into the little building and out the door to get the new 39 cent stamps, a man came hurrying in to mail a letter, and the gal at the counter saw he only had the old postage on it. She told him he needed 2 more cents, and he was notably taken aback. He had hurried over from his office and didn’t have any money on him or time to stand in line. He was going to run back to get the needed money and come and wait in line- but it was obvious he had hurried to get the letter mailed in the first place.
As all of us watched him, one woman volunteered a two-cent stamp, and the whole line got very quiet. It was a beautiful moment. The man asked her if she was sure, and she assured him she was fine with giving him the stamp. He offered to go back to his office to get the two cents, and she told him not to bother. There was a real moment of everyone feeling really good about our post office substation and the goodness of one person to another. It was a small thing, but it meant something to both of the people involved and to the rest of us. It made my day! If I’d had a two-cent stamp, I would have offered it, but I didn’t.
The fact that she did and that he was so grateful caused me to reflect on the goodness one person can accord to another, and that lifting an artificial barrier that keeps us separate and apart from one another can offer opportunities to express our humanness and goodwill for each other. We aren’t a yard that needs defining or a freeway that needs barriers. We are human beings who can contribute to the wellbeing of each other by taking time to pay attention and interact. And how good it feels when we do!
KJ
As the long winter claims me I recognize that certain forms of depression are a malady of soul. When the soul has come to a point in its scripted life that no longer offers breadth and depth for the housing of spirit, we diminish our aliveness. Our perception forms reality, and unless we are able to overcome the outward dictates of who we are based on the sum total of our past experiences and expectations, we become like baby turtles trapped in their embryonic shells.
Deep within each of us is a knowing of our origin and destiny, and as we are seduced by the world of appearances, we lose connection to our inner coding. Depression may enter as a reminder to reconnect with the larger possibility of our life.
It is here that I see us like baby turtles who are housed in the protective environment of the birth shell (an egg) until they are strong enough to emerge into the larger world. The mother turtle comes from the sea to lay her eggs and covers them in the moist sand where they incubate. At the time of hatching, the baby turtles must push with all their might against the confinement of the shell that incubated them in growth, for they must now go out into the larger world to fulfill their purpose. If the turtle perceives the embryonic shell to be the universe, it will perish within that context…never having experienced the larger possibility awaiting it.
So, we too, come to points in our lives that act as the membrane of protection. There are times to move forward, times to risk. Yet we are afraid. We don’t know to what or for what this inner calling comes because we have lost the instinctive knowing of the turtle. We are concerned with the outer world and the outcome of our actions.
Once long ago I received an insight. Stated quite succinctly, I was told, “You are not here to be safe!”
The baby turtles face quite an ordeal as they emerge from the shell into the bright light and then with all the strength gathered must make their way to the sea through a maze of predators who await them. However, even in the face of great uncertainty, they go, for staying in the shell is certain death.
For us, depression may be a signal from psyche that the old shell must be broken because it has become a constriction, and that through our willingness to move forward, life may emerge in a larger context, regardless of its outcome.
copyright 1996
More and more I am aware of how strong the veil of fear is that pervades this planet. Each of the thought forms that is sent out into the ethers laced with fear becomes a glitch that keeps the pure essence of light from permeating us at a cellular level with the blessing of Love.
If we look at the media...the things we read, watch on TV, and go to the movies to see...what is the tone? What is the message, and what is the byproduct of the content? Just as in our food, we are bombarded by junk. We take it on as though it is a requirement, never thinking of the adverse effect it has upon our psyche, our being, and the well-being of our planet.
Yet, we do have the power of choice. And as thinking, conscious individuals, it is essential that we begin to be responsible for what we are choosing to take in to our consciousness, to our body, and to our way of interacting with life. Thoughts are things. We are manufacturing new "things" moment by moment. As those things are fear laden, the veil obscures ultimate reality. As we consciously choose to uphold love, not as an insipid or saccharin state, but as a dynamic evolving pool of creation...we will find ourselves avoiding those elements that pull us down and move to those that elevate us.
I have noted the preoccupation with negative prophecy and in thinking about it during my morning walk, observed the following:
The problem with fear is that it feeds fear and begets fear...and as we are hooked into that medium through the messages surrounding us our fear reactions are predictable.
Again...I am reminded of how important it is to move beyond the astral level. We dwell on prophecies that dwell on the negative? Why don't we give equal attention to the prophecies of hope? How many prophecies were given about the incredible communication age we are in? Did anyone bother to talk about the amazing things that are happening on the planet...ever...other than in dribs and drabs? Why not? Because it isn't sensational. It is good news, and people tend to feed off of the adrenaline high we get from fear. Messages of hope only add a peaceful and unifying tone, and people don't necessarily like to be peaceful. We like to be on edge. Many of us are addicted to caffeine... and fear is the ultimate caffeine!
So...we are all laced with historical failure. Hurts. Mistakes. Disappointments. But we are also a species that has many victories. Otherwise we wouldn't still be here. As we work towards the precepts that dignify life, we lift the veil that keeps us from wholeness. Then the light of love is able to penetrate us and the planet in a way that brings about an ultimate blessing - for which we have in truth been created .
KJ
